Have you ever felt real emotion?

So deep, it completely engulfs you and renders you helpless.

It ripples out from your very core ... Not sure of the welcome it will receive.

To truly be in love devours you in real emotion.

It hurts.
It heals.
It loves...

-Darby

So I'm sitting in my car. Freshly released from
the penitentiary known as UNO Chicago grill ... And now I'm alone.

No family. No friends. No nothing.

It always ends up this way for me.

You die alone in the end.

-Darby

update!

So I've lost my ipod.

It's soo true what they say about those things. They're like crack man! lol

I'm really really sad...

buuuuutttt...

^_^

Things may be looking up, due to a new position my job offered me.
Ultimately it'll mean more money/more work.
And that's just fine and dandy with me. I'm trying to stay more focused.

So this past week I was on VaCa visiting family and friends in the 757 area.
So good times, some dull times, some absolutely wtf times.

But it got me to thinkin' -- There's truly a price for everything we do. Or .. if you don't so much like the word "price", there are definite consequences and effects to the choices we make. I don't believe there are really right and wrong choices though. It's just our job to be as aware as possible of the consequences of our actions and to make sure these choices are helping us continue to become/ be the person we are striving to be.

This past week I gained .. and lost. I made some decisions that didn't have the brightest outcome .. but it didn't have the most negative either. And I think I'm alright with that.


yep ...

I think it'll be ok.

Suuuuuuuuuupppp

- darbs

So between yesterday and today I've been thinking about my past relationships

... And how much of a failure I was at them

Never opening up, using them for sex, never letting go

... I was just horrible.

Sooo I started to think about what lead me to be how I am now. What sparked the ruin?
And I began to think about the puppy love ... The first one you fall into when love is still true and pure.

Mine was horrible. Full of want, need, love ... And lies.

Big lies.

I don't lie in relationships at all now though. In fact you might say I'm a little too truthful. I don't sugarcoat anything.

:shrug:

When did you become disillusioned by love?
When did your love-ruin begin?







- darbs

Incomplete study of hand against wall I'm doing.

I'm ready to fall back into art.

F everything else.


- darbs

Queen of being unproductive and gluttony...

We are who we are?

Or are we who we want to be?




- darbs

I'll practice and become the one who can manifest the eloquent words you were seeking ...

- darbs

I feel like my mind can't be contained.

I so easily fall into space.


Conscious stream of thought ...
Of existence.

All of my most profound thoughts (and yes I rank them accordingly) seem to come and go faster than the wind.
Shaking my existence for a few moments and then fleeing before I have a chance to capture it.

To utilize it ...
To share it.

This does not help the existence of a blogger.

In fact it could very well likely be her arch nemesis.





- darbs

I write a whole entry just to accidentally delete it and theres no real undo option on iPods...

See this is why I can't keep a damn blog.

Smh.

*wanna step my pool game up. I have a table right beside my room but I just never play

Come play pool with me!!!


- darbs

I'm starting to fall out of sync with updating ALREADY!!! It's only been two days.

I suck. Lol.

Babysat a three month old today. It only further validated the fact I'll never have children.





- darbs

I can't eat that! I only eat Gluten- Free...

Still haven't been put on the schedule yet for work.
Sooo, I definitely didn't go today.

I could actually get used to planning my own schedule like this. I mean... as long as it was salary based.
Cause lord knows my whims of pro-activity are about as dependable as a hooker's money-back guarantee.

Nah... but really. I could dig it.


.......

SO the fam and I made GLUTEN - FREE PIZZAs tonight. Yaaaaay!!!

My auntie was swagger-jackin' though, cause i tooootally made GF pizza's with the kids while she and my uncle were off swangin' on Tequila in Mexico. .. but w/e.

GF pizza paired with Teq, an Ethiopian honey wine. Yummmm :-)

......


I was talking to these two ladies at work the other day about Uno's Gluten Free menu. She had mentioned how both her and her daughter had Celiac disease and  how refreshing it was to be able to come into a restaurant and see a menu tailored to their needs.

I was vaguely flattered. Half of me didn't really care and was just throwing on the "server face", the other half's curiosity was perked, because as you know I live in a gluten free based household.

All of my cousins were allergy tested and the results showed that each one of them was allergic to gluten, soy, etc to different degrees.

So my aunt just cut it out of their diet.

What got me thinking, is how a dietary fad, like Gluten Free diets and being a better parent by converting your children to gluten free options ... can sometimes seem like such a hoax.

The daughter of the lady I had served in the restaurant mentioned " I think you either have it [ Celiac disease] or you don't, there's not really an in between."

Have people convinced themselves to have a reaction to the things they eat, just because an allergy test told them they should. Or are these really just new advances in technology, helping us become a more healthy population of people???

Kwesi Abbensetts (click picture for his blog)

trust me.

It's dope.

Sun is shining...

The weather is sweet, yea...

I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed today, because this gorgeous weather has not improved my funk.




It makes me feel a little better to know that whoever set up society ... The way it is now. With monetary gods and civic obligations..

They probably knew the system was completely draining of human creativity and spirituality and were being a complete douchebag...

But then put the system in place anyway because it was the better option among worse ones.

Shaking Babies.

apparently.

.. And I said Hi to the Universe.

The sun was glaring so hard in my face today, that between the brilliant light and the fierce wind I could barely keep my eyes open.

I felt tears streaming down my face as my eyes struggled to remain moist. I felt no urgent desire to wipe them away or hide them.

I wasn't crying. I can't cry.

My face will burn. My head will ache.
But no release.

....

So I look up at the sky and salute the sun, salute the moon, salute the clouds.
I just wanted to say Hi.

....

Speaking of, there was this ABSOLUTELY awesome cloud.
Shaped like a ram. Aries all DAY BABY!!!

....

Spent the better part of the afternoon and early evening frolicking in a field with one of my good friends.

She's one of the most evolved people I know.
And I always enjoy our conversations.

.. Definitely on my favorite people list ;-)

So I lost my wallet today.

It's not the first time I've ever lost it and I made a conscience effort not to take "having it" for granted.

But, then I still go and lose the damn thing.


People always preach about how you shouldn't take things for granted, because the moment you lose it you'll realize how much it means to you.

Well, what if you haven't taken it for granted, but you still lose it.

Are you just supposed to be stuck with bitter remorse???
Does the Universe acknowledge your level on consciousness on the matter???

Delicious Ethiopian Food I had today!

Check out Zed's Bistro if you're in the Metro Area!

Hi ... an Introduction of Sorts.

I've had a few blogs. 
You are not my first. 
You are not deflowering me.


In fact I'm something like a blog whore--- Errrt!!!


*PAUSE*


That's a horrible way to introduce one's self huh?


*REDO*


Hi, I'm Ashley Darby ... Darby for short.
I'm 20 years old.
An Aries.
Not currently in College, but was at one point in time. (save that for another day)
I'm 5'7 1/2"
I'm a size 12.
I'm not stunningly beautiful.


I invented inconsistency.
I'm allergic to relationships.
I'm a bit of a social failure.
I have no charisma.
and I don't have any real talents or skills.




In short, I'm a real person. 
I have issues.


This blog is for me ... and maybe for you too.
I'm chronicling my journey to be happy with myself.




Nice to meet you.